Tuesday, 6 February 2007

Bird flu redux, 4 million Irishmen slammed in inability to cook chicken properly ruckus

So, in a second act of stupidity, a whole bunch of countries have now banned imports of British-bred poultry. Which has me scratching my immaculately coiffeured head. Here's why. So far everything we know points to the spread of H5N1 along migratory paths flown by wild birds. Given that thousands of innocent gobblers have gone to their untimely deaths and the outbreak appears to be tentatively over, the risk is surely more acute from those millions of wild birds that are free to cross the ocean as and when they please. Now, a beef ban I could just about understand, because it's not as if there were herds of mad cows fording the English Channel of their own accord, intent on raining destruction across Europe, but this is frankly dumb.

The funniest thing is that the countries on the list are mostly countries that I wasn't aware we had a great poultry-trading relationship with. Apparently, under normal circumstances the people of Macedonia, South Korea and Hong Kong are just falling over themselves to buy up our delicious, nutritious turkey twizzlers. Oh, and naturally the French have weighed in, too, but I'm too tired after only four hours sleep last night to go to town on the French farmers, who could teach Harry Potter fans a thing or two about wank.*

The Irish government is said to be considering its options, according to this morning's Grauniad.

But in effect, surely what the Irish government has said is that it doesn't trust its people to be able to pan fry a chicken breast for five minutes. Which, you know, is a bit insulting really.

I will get off this topic eventually, I promise.

* Wouldn't 'le wanking' as in, 'on va faire le wanking ce soir' be a great loan word for the French language? I wonder if the Academie would try and think up an alternative?

Monday, 5 February 2007

Bird flu strikes Chav Your Say; hundreds dead of self-important wank, stupidity

What about the eggs??? A human mother can pass HIV onto unborn child, so can a bird pass bird flu to egg, if so, are they disposing of eggs as well, or are they hatching or are we eating?? It is quite a scary thought. deb, halifax

It's a scary thought that you're eating, for sure...

And as for the people who are speculating that the government is deliberately infecting the turkeys in order to bury Cash for Honours...

Frankly, I'm surprised by the whole thing; I wasn't aware Bernard Matthews used real turkeys.

Oh, here's another:

I think it is time for wide spread panic. We have no cure for this hoffific disease and when this really takes hold it is going to wipe out the whole population of the Earth. No one is safe. I am absolutely devastated. Tom, glasgow


'Would you say the time has come for us to crack open each other's heads and feast on the tasty goo inside?'
'Yes, Kent, I would.'